Stuggles of a Step Mom

How I Struggled with Jealousy

November 15, 2017

In most relationships, your boyfriends ex may be annoying sometimes, may not even be in the picture.  But when you’re a step mom, his ex is around for life.  And that can cause some serious jealously issues.  I was never a jealous person before I met my current man.  I had no issues with ex girlfriends, no problems with female friends.  But boy, this has done me a 180.

I constantly compared myself.

I know a lot about her.  Probably even too much.  Sometimes I almost feel like I was part of their relationship when they were together.  I am the first girl he has gotten with after her, and to be quite honest, it might have been too soon for him.  When we got together, he was over his relationship with her but he was not over the picture perfect family he had imagined when he found out he was going to be a dad.  So naturally, I was the source for sharing his thoughts and feelings about the matter.  For a while until I put a stop to this, I had felt that maybe he wasn’t over her.

Which lead me to compare myself.  Although I haven’t really ever seen her up close, I know enough to compare myself.  She’s a tall, rather thin (genetically gifted), natural (although dyed) blonde, who has a confidence to match.  She is almost a decade older than myself, so I know her skin doesn’t show hormonal imbalances like mine.

I am short, more of a thicker build (a lot of muscles and Polish curves), auburn-red hair, and quiet and reserved.  I am in my early 20’s and my skin is acting like it did when I was in puberty.

I never stopped comparing my physical appearance to hers, and it drove me insane.  There are things about myself that I can’t change.  I can appear taller with heals, but I will never be 5’9.  I will never have a thin structure, it’s just not how I’m built.  Partly because of my height, and partly 14 years of riding horses has given me thick thighs and big bum.  Genetically, I have large breasts, which just simply adds more weight on the scale.  I have always struggled with acne, and most likely always will.  My face will never be flawless, and that’s just the cold, hard truth.

I obsessed over her.

This might seem a bit creepy, but if you’re a Step Mom, you might know where I’m coming from.

I wanted to look at her social media to see if she was saying anything about me, anything about my boyfriend, or what she was doing with Little Boy.  I wanted to know what she was up to.   There were a few instances where she had posted something directed towards me, where my appearance had been made fun of.  It hurt my feelings to know that what I had disliked about myself, had also been a target for her cruel words.

Because I constantly compared myself to her, I wanted to look at her pictures to make myself feel like crap/better.  I would see how beautiful she is (she is a beautiful woman, simply put), which made me feel like crap because I would be sitting in a giant hoodie, messy bun, and probably got a double chin going.  But then I would pick apart her features and make fun of them in attempts to make me feel better.

I was angry, bitter, and just jealous.

I was very angry and bitter towards her.  I knew my boyfriend’s side of the story, and knowing that side made it difficult for me to understand why she was doing what she was doing.  I was jealous that she got to spend so much time with little boy, how she got to take him places and have him for Christmas, and just got to enjoy him.  I was jealous that she got a cheque in the mail every month for child support, money that wouldn’t be able to go towards my boyfriends bills or his own necessities.

I was (and still am) jealous that she got to be the mother of my boyfriends first child.  Because of that, I can never share that special “first time parents” moment with my boyfriend, she already had that.  Although the situation for my boyfriend was less than ideal when going through the pregnancy and birth (See Back Story), I know that he has already had that experience.

Stay tuned for How I Dealt With Jealousy

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