There are a lot of really shitty things that come with being a Step Mom. From dealing with high conflict exes, court, financial obligations, the stress that it puts on your relationship.
By far, the worst part of being a Step Mom for me is that he is not my son. I didn’t carry him in my womb, I didn’t get to hear his heart beat for the first time, or feel his first kick. I didn’t get to see his first steps (I saw the first for us), I didn’t get to see his first smile, hear his first laugh.
I love that little boy so much, and I would do absolutely anything for him. I would give up my own life for him if I had to. It kills me to know that no matter how much I love him, or how much he loves me, I will never be his Mom. He will never love me as much as he loves his Mother. I in no way want to replace her, and I am well aware that we are not equals. However, it hurts to know that I will never hold that importance in his life like she does.
He is my boyfriends first child. My boyfriend has already experienced the excitement of his first child, the first ultrasound, finding out the gender of his first baby, holding his first baby. I hate that he experienced those things with her, and not with me. He will never experience those very firsts ever again.
It is always in the back of my mind that if/when my boyfriend and I have a child, that child will be my first and his second. It will be my first time ever experiencing those things, and it will be his second time. This thought can eat me up sometimes, if I let it.
I have spoken to my boyfriend about this many times before. He always says the same thing, “It won’t be my first child, but it will be my first child with you, my first real family”. As much as I want to see it the way he sees it, I have such a hard time.
It’s just one of those things I have to except and move on. I can’t change the past and what has already happened.